VERBAL ABUSE

VERBAL ABUSE

All through my marriage Hamish has been verbally abusive. He is dismissive of my ideas, thoughts. He is critical of my attire, my friends. He does not like me win a point and often he becames abusive towards me if I do not agree with him.

He is rude in public towards me. He has been thoroughly rude to me in both public and private situations. He has publicly embarrassed me with rude comments. He has been rude at dinner parties. He can be utterly charming and revert to being sharp and rude the next.

Hamish has a reputation for being blunt. Some would say that this is refreshing and honest, and others would say he is brash and rude. I believe he is not sensitive to people’s thoughts and feelings. I have taken a lot of his abusive comments personally and they have been directed at me personally. I am aware that I am not the only person he does this to but I am the person who receives this treatment the most.

I watched his behaviour with his first wife and he gave her very little respect. There were many times when he cut off mid sentence or belittled her.

I have been belittled, demeaned and spoken with little respect throughout my marriage. He has an arrogant manner.

Hamish always likes to be right and cannot accept any blame nor will he believe he is wrong. He will correct me, devalue me, undermine me in front of the children without any thought as to the consequences.

The children listen and watch the way Hamish talks to me and they respond in the same manner. He flits between being exceptionally charming and kind, to being overbearing and abusive. He over-rules my routines with the children and uses bad language. He is dismissive to me in front of the children and has been throughout my marriage. He finds it difficult to operate as PARENT TO PARENT OR ADULT TO ADULT . By undermining me this sends the wrong messages to the children.

He has been abusive to all the children and in the early years (before we were married) he was extremely impatient and rude. The older girls have got used to his speak and I see a great difference in Ruairidh as a result of spending more time with his father. Many people who have known Ruairidh since he was little have seen a change. He is very influenced by his fathers tone, manner and turn of phrase. I AM VERY CONCERNED ABOUT HAMISH’S INFLUENCE ON RUAIRIDH AND INDEED NOW ON ROSALIND.

Specific incidents of verbal abuse.

Lunch at the Gammell’s

We were invited to the Gammells for lunch one Sunday (can’t remember the exact date). Ruairidh was about 18 months old at the time. We were all in the car travelling to Elie. We had just driven through Leven and heading towards Lower Largo and he asked me which turning he should take. I suggested the upper road as opposed to the lower road leading into Lower Largo itself. He disagreed and became verbally abusive towards in front of the children. This behaviour resulted in him digging his elbow into my chest causing me to double up with pain. He continually made abusive comments and I at this stage could not reply. I think I was still breast feeding. I distinctly remember feeling very sore in the chest area and I my rib cage was aching. I had difficultly getting up from the car seat.

I asked Hamish to stop the car he made more nasty abusive remarks and eventually stopped the car. I struggled to get out and I could hear little Ruairidh crying. Mhoraig was trying to calm him down but Hamish’s body language was intimidating and I have to say I was quite frightened.

I was quite distraught and suggested he drove on and I would either walk or find a taxi in the nearest village and go home. I asked him to give my apologies. I did not want to get back into the car. He continued to be abusive and eventually he calmed down. I could see that I was not going to get home easily as we were quite a distance from any village or house.

Wedding – Ben and Jill Tindall – The Hub

We were driving down the motorway towards Edinburgh. We were arguing over some point or other. I decided to stop talking as he was beginning to get rather angry. The more I kept silent the more Hamish began to harass me. I asked him to stop but he continued to intimidate me. By the time we arrived in Edinburgh I was emotionally drained and was not up to going into a public situation. We parked the car near the castle and I asked Hamish if he would mind waiting for moment while I gathered myself. His behaviour had left me feeling so drained and physically sick and I just wanted a few minutes of quite time before I had to smile and be courteous. We arrived at the Hub. Luckily we were at separate tables and therefore I was able to relax and enjoy the rest of the evening. Jill Tindall however did remark that I looked rather ill and I explained that we had had a little domestic. She took me aside and explained that she knew Hamish was an overpowering character and that if I ever wanted someone to talk to, just to let her know.

After the wedding reception we travelled home taking the route through Edinburgh towards Queensferry Road. Hamish returned to the same subject that he was discussion on the journey down. I asked him not to revisit it and would he mind just letting me have a little sleep on the journey home. He just carried on and on. I asked him to stop the car. He did and I climbed and began walking towards my parents house. He followed. I continued walking. I arrived at my parents, worn out and drained. He was very apologetic. We continued our journey in silence.

West Court
Two incidents.
1.
We had a disagreement regarding whether I should or should not go on holiday with a girlfriend for a week. Ruairidh was 2. I employed Jenny Slee at the time. I felt the need to have a break because I had been so involved with the big girls and Ruairidh. HAMIISH HOWEVER HAD NOT CHANGED HIS LIFESTYLE IN ANY WAY E.G. SHOOTING, RUBY OUTINGS, CORPORATE PARTIES AND RECEPTIONS ETC. The argument turned into abusive behaviour. I ran upstairs to the family bathroom and Hamish followed. He demanded that I come out and finish the conversation. I said that I was not prepared to come out unless he stopped harassing me. He used his fist and bashed and banged the door. By this time I was extremely frightened. He disappeared. I can’t remember what happened next.
A number of people remarked on why the panel on the door had been broken (his parents, my parents, etc).

2.
Hamish arrived back from a business trip. He was quite tired and I can’t remember why the argument started but it resulted in him shouting at me banging the glass doors. Ruairidh (about 3 months old) was sleeping in a pram at that time and I had to take him out of the kitchen. He woke up very frightened and distressed. Hamish followed me into the drawing room and continued to harass me. I took the child into our bedroom and spent the rest of the night with him beside me. Hamish arrived in bed very late.

At Pitlour

Sometimes I would retreat to my study and Hamish would want to discuss a point. I would say can it wait or I disagree. He cannot let go and always wishes to push his point. He verbally bullies me on a regular basis. This kind of behaviour usually takes place in private apart from his verbal abusive which often takes place in front of the children, especially the little ones. He follows me from one room to the next being verbally abusive, referring to me as thick, lacking in any understanding of life, a mess, off my trolley, out to lunch, trash, overweight, barking etc He usually comes into the room and blocks the door. He stands in an intimating fashion and does not let me out of the room that I occupy. He invades my space and pushes often prevents me from going from one room to the next. Sometimes I manage to get outside and make for my car and he often opens the door to prevent me from driving away. He bangs his fists on the car and shouts abusive language e.g scum, pig

There are just too many to mention and they just seem to all converge in one horrible nightmare. I have been in this situation for many years. Sometimes I just have to be silent and that causes Hamish to react. I am am very aware that I now react very badly towards Hamish and that it is bad for the children. If I walk away from Hamish I am rude, if I don’t reply I am rude, if I disagree I am not listening tohim and if I have another opinion it is not correct and that I should listen very carefully to his. A NO WIN SITUATION. He has always been overbearing but over the years it has become more and more frequent. In the early years it was not so noticeable. Presumably as we were in the so called ‘honeymoon period’.

15-04-00 - CONTRIBUTION TO PITLOUR

CONTRIBUTION TO PITLOUR

Since I arrived at Pitlour I have been involved with many aspect with regard to the running and organising of the Estate and the House. I think it might help if I just list them:-

Running the house – employing staff.
Organising the rooms for guests
Organising the housekeeping
Participating in the household duties
- washing
- ironing
- cleaning
- cooking
- shopping
- care of contents
- maintenance of all equipment

Gardens

Finding and employing gardners and handyman
Gardening and helping with general tasks on estate – West Lodge
Instructing gardner and handyman on tasks on estate and in conjection with horses
Restoring West Lodge garden with the help of the handyman

Grounds

Cutting down trees
Helping with clearance work
Taking tubbing off saplings
Clearing debis and rubbish in preparation for restoration work on stable block
Cutting and clearing trees in Courtyard

Office work

Assisting Hamish with his office work
Setting up his office, filing and sorting out his files and
Books,
Keeping records
Organising diaries
Receiving corporate and estate persons
Organising visits
Ordering Goods
Sourcing
Picking up goods and delivery goods

Plans

Discussing plans for the Stable Courtyard
Discussing plans for Pitlour House
Attending meetings with Ben Tindall Architects
Attending numerous meeting with Henry Dempsey (Harry Taylor)
Discussing all manor of details on landscape, design, room design,
Kitchens, finish (final decision always with Hamish)

Sources paint samples
Organising paint – negotiating discounts
Dealing with contractors in Hamish’s but only with his strict instructions in
His absence
Estate
Organise all the shoot lunches, elevenses and teas
Receive guests at Pitlour House
Organise staff
Food
Presentation
Flower arranging
Setting up of the shoot complex
Hospitality and hosting of the shoot in general
Hiring of staff both for the catering and childcare

Childcare

Looking after all my children (all four)
Making sure they are fed
Making sure they attend their activities
Making sure they enjoy Pitlour and all it has to offer
Walks, riding, swimming in the lake

Entertaining

Looking after our guests
Dinner parties
Supper parties
Large events e.g. Christmas parties (50+ people) plus decoration
Teenage parties
Teenage dinner party
Small children’s parties 2 every year
Children’s friends staying overnight

Hamish

Shoe cleaning
Dry Cleaning
Sewing
Buying clothes
Organising shooting guests for him
Organising hair appointments
Organising dental appointments for all the family
Organising doctors appointments
Etc etc etc…………

PITLOUR

PITLOUR

We had countless friends to visit and stay. I took them to their friends. Picked them up from friends, shopping trips, arranged holidays. Looked after their clothes, washed, hand washed, ironed,comforted them in their time of need, took them to Pony club, organised all their school uniforms, tagging, equipment.

I was a mother to them. They call me mum and mum I was.

It is difficult to mention all aspect of being a mother but my life was totally taken up with looking after his girls initially and then when Ruairidh and Rosalind arrived I tried to give time to everyone but I did not give enough time to myself. Hamish was there to drive them to their various destinations but that was about the sum total of involvement. He was and is so utterly obsessed with Pitlour and putting back to its former glory at any cost

April 2000 - PITLOUR

April 2000 - PITLOUR

PITLOUR

We moved to Pitlour in April 2000. I was pregnant with Rosalind. The girls attended Kilgraston on a flexi-boarding regieme. I thought this was the best way so that the girls could enjoy family life and boarding life. The best of both worlds. I have never really liked the idea of ‘boarding’.

I packed all the contents of our house in West Court and unpacked all the contents when we arrived at Pitlour.

We enjoyed some happy years here. Hamish insisted that I look for horses for the girls. I was not going to buy a riding horse for myself as I had a toddler but was happy to organise, buy and look after the horses. We had employed a nanny and she lived in our basement flat. I juggled between running the house, taking children to school and looking after various aspect of the running of Pitlour (including helping Hamish with is many directorships, office work etc).

We began to bring in various staff, a handyman, a gamekeeper etc.

Hamish was obsessed with Pitlour. He spent many hours showing friends, family, business colleagues and anyone who was interested around Pitlour. We began work on the stables and this took up the majority of Hamish’s time. We would sit up till 2 and 3 in the morning pouring over plans for the stable conversion, the big house, the landscape gardens.

We entertained many friends and had many friends staying overnight.

Rosalind was born on 22 November 2000. We had various staff ranging from a nanny, to various au pairs. I employed a cleaner (Lynda Mitchell) who assisted me in the house. I worked in the house regularly (house cleaning, washing, cooking entertaining (business colleages, friends of the children overnight, family) We always invited both families at Christmas time. We held Rosalind’s Christening at Pitlour and Mhoraig’s 18 Birthday party not too mention many more parties, and events.

Hamish decided to get the Pitlour Shoot up and running as quickly as possible and set about refurbishing our West Lodge so that Scott Lindsay (gamekeeper) could move in. I worked with the handy man (Roy Nicol). We pulled down old buildings and took down trees and cleared away debris (summer 2000 – pregnant).

Hamish spent most of his spare time either with the contractors, on site or with me pouring over plans and discussing the projects. Henry Dempsey of Harry Taylor (Chartered Architects) visited our house on a regular basis. I would go as far as to say he practically lived here. I provided him with numerous meals both during the week and often at the weekend. Hamish did not take the girls to school very often nor did he attend any of their matches at Kilgraston. He did not spend a lot of time with the children in general.

The children ate dinner at around 5.00- 6.00 and Hamish and I ate at around 8 – 10 pm. Life was very hectic.